BREAKING NEWS!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Sprint, the nation’s third largest cellular phone company just announced the commencement of a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Under these terms the reins of the corporation are being turned over to a court appointed trustee who will either attempt to keep the company afloat or, based on his examination of the books, will force Sprint to sell assets to repay creditors. This reporter has learned from an unnamed source the trustee plans to shut all company operations down and liquidate assets to clear the books thus ending NASCAR’s affiliation with Sprint. These findings were shortly confirmed by a company spokesman.

Less than two hours later NASCAR’s CEO Brian France was cornered by reporters outside the racing company’s offices in Charlotte, North Carolina. When asked about Sprint’s announcement and what that means to NASCAR, Mr. France made a stunning, completely unexpected statement as he rambled on, almost in tears saying the France family has decided to shed its ownership shares in all NASCAR endeavors. When questioned who would be willing and more importantly able to step up and purchase the family’s estimated $7.5 billion in NASCAR holdings, Mr. France simply hung his head and mumbled something about later. He was then helped away by several NASCAR officials… Within an hour a special news conference was held in the lobby of NASCAR’s headquarters. Without a single member of the France family present Walmart’s CEO Mike Duke was introduced to the gathered throng of reporters and dumbfounded NASCAR employees.

A short prepared speech was made in which Mr. Duke informed the assembly that Walmart had been approached by NASCAR CEO Brian France to see if the largest retailer in the world would be interesting in assuming Sprint’s former position as sponsor of the championship series. Without a moment’s hesitation, Walmart made their own proposal. It was an offer that NASCAR’s first family couldn’t refuse. Effective immediately, Walmart is not only the primary sponsor of NASCAR’s premier racing series, it’s also the majority owner of NASCAR and International Speedway Corporation. Mr. Duke also let it be known that negotiations are underway with Mr. Bruton Smith concerning Walmart’s purchase of Speedway Motorsports, Inc.

Mr. Duke, who seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, then described some of the things he and his associates are considering to re-invigorate NASCAR.

First, the premier series will from now on be known as the Walmart Cup Series. With an overhead projector running, the gathered news people and now sobbing NASCAR employees were treated to Mr. Duke’s vision of the sport in the future…

The new Cup Championship Trophy will be selected in a nationwide vote, just go to your local neighborhood Walmart and find the soon to be installed NASCAR Department where all things NASCAR will be found. Here are the two choices:



(Will Kevin Harvick be the first to hoist the winning selection?)
Walmart will now have exclusive rights to market all things NASCAR! In a related comment, Mr. Duke stated in the future all race purses will include fifteen minute shopping sprees to the winners!


Second, Mr. Duke announced there will be an immediate weekly competition to fill the position of Miss Walmart at each race on the schedule. The overhead projectionist quickly got to work putting up shots of a few of the candidates…




The former Miss Sprint Cup Monica Palumbo was on hand… You’re kidding, right?

Third, it was revealed that NASCAR, based upon the fan’s outcry concerning the quality of television commentators, has taken over control of who will handle the chore… Again the projector was used to display Walmart’s choices…

Darrell Waltrip and Rusty Wallace!!! Mr. Duke stated these two were the overwhelming favorites in Bentonville, Arkansas!

Fourth, the name of the acquired racetracks will henceforth be referred to as Walmart Speedways. Every facility will feature electric cart seating sections!

Fifth, Mr. Duke described Walmart’s marketing prowess and how their methods will be used to influence the masses…

Finally, this week’s Miss Walmart winner was announced!

Look for her in Victory Lane at Richmond!


Mr. Duke wants you to remember:

In closing, the world famous Walmart synchronized dancers were on hand to make a fitting end to this huge day in the history of NASCAR… Dancing to the Kenny Loggins’ tune “THIS IS IT!”

Who knows, maybe there will be Elvis sightings at the NASCAR events!